copyright 1996 by Peter Malak, used by permission.
[What's new at this site] Last updated 2001-11-07 (layout only).

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Peter Malak posted this to alt.startrek.creative in 1996. Unlike most repeatedly-forwarded humour, this arrived with his original Usenet header on it.

Winnie the Pooh Assimilated by the Borg

Rabbit was in his kerit patch, looking over this year's crop.

"My oh my. My kerits are smaller than normal this year. I don't know how I shall survive this winter. My oh my oh my."

Rabbit was so busy in fretting over his kerits that he didn't take notice of the unusual creature that appeared in thin air behind him, at the far end of his garden. The creature was half-man, and half-machine. It had strange armor on that made strange noises as it walked. Its face was completely devoid of color, and it had hoses projecting out of its chest leading up to its head. It began moving toward Rabbit.

Rabbit was beginning to look over his cabege patch when he fancied he heard something. He turned to see this creature lumbering toward him, right through his beloved rutabaga patch! "Stop!" he shouted. "Go back!" The creature paid no attention to him, and continued toward him.

Now, if Rabbit had watched television, in particular, if he had watched "Star Trek: The Next Generation", he would have instantly recognized the creature as a Borg. However, Rabbit did not watch television, as he did not have a television.

The creature reached rabbit, and he started to cry. "Why oh why?" Rabbit murmured. "Why did you destroy my rutabaga patch?"

The Borg paid no attention to him, and instead proclaimed, in a doomsday voice, "You will take me to Pooh Bear."

Rabbit looked up at the Borg and said, "What about my rutabagas?"

The Borg replied, "Rutabagas are irrelevant. You must comply."

Rabbit became very defensive when he heard that rutabagas were irrelevant. "And if I don't?"

"Then you will die." Rabbit never felt the Borg armature hit him that swung up at him.

The Borg continued on its way.

*       *       *

Winnie the Pooh was in his howse, performing his stomach exercises.

"Up, down, touch the ground. Put me in the mood. Swing up, down, up down two, in the mood, for food."

Pooh Bear then went to his cabinet to look for a pot full of hunny. Since he had eaten most of it up, and being a bear of very little brain, he began rummaging through his cabinet. As he dug deeper into it, he took no notice of the Borg moving towards his house. As he shouldn't have. After all, it was still about a 100 yards away. But it was picking up speed rapidly.

Pooh Bear found a pot full of hunny, and began eating it. He stuck his nose and mouth into it, and pretty soon his whole face was in it. As a result, he didn't see the Borg smash down his door.

He heard it, though. "Who's there?" he muffled through the hunny pot.

The Borg did not respond. Instead, it grabbed him rather roughly and pulled the hunnypot off of his face.

"Hey!" Pooh Bear said. "What about my lunch?"

"Lunch is irrelevant. It has been decided that a stuffed animal voice will speak for us in all communications in the Hundred Acre Wood. You have been chosen to be that voice."

Pooh Bear, being a bear of very little brain, did not quite understand the Borg. So he complied as the Borg picked him up and took him outside.

Owl was up in a tree some distance away when he saw the Pooh Bear and the Borg leave Pooh's house. He flew down to see what the Borg was and what he wanted. As he was flying, the sky suddenly grew dark. He looked up toward the sun and saw this huge gray cube-shaped thing approach Pooh Bear and the Borg. Owl suddenly became frightened, landed, and darted behind a tree. As he watched, the gray cube hovered over the tree in which Pooh Bear lived, and Pooh Bear and the Borg began to dissolve in green light! After they were gone, the cube emitted this strange blue light on Pooh Bear's tree. He continued watching, and the house disappeared, leaving this great crater in the earth! The cube then began flying away. Owl, seeing his friend Pooh Bear gone, began to fly after the gray cube. He had almost reached it, when this blue light hit him, and he fell to the ground, unconscious.

Some time later, he woke up, in pain. "I must tell Christopher Robin what has happened!"

*       *       *

"And that's all I saw." Owl concluded.

Christopher Robin thought for a moment. "Owl, you're telling me that this machine-man took Winnie the Pooh up in this gray cube?"


"And you followed?"

"Yes, and I got hit by some strange light, when I fell to the ground."

"And Pooh Bear's house disappeared?"


Christopher Robin walked over to his bookshelf. "In some of these books I've read stories of half-man, half-machine people, but they are only stories. And in all of them they are good." He indicated a copy of "The Wizard of Oz". "Like in this one."

"I agree with you Christopher, but I know what I saw. And for once, I'm at a loss for words."

"Well, if we are in trouble, I want everyone here. Owl, fly out to everyone's house and have them meet me here.

Owl, greatly relieved, complied. "Yes, of course, right away." He took off.

*       *       *

Tigger stood ready. He was ready to bounce Eeyore again.

Just like last year, he thought. I'll bounce Eeyore into the water and get invited to his birthday party again! As he was thinking, he didn't take notice the sky was getting darker.

Tigger was all ready to bounce when he heard something. He turned around and saw Pooh Bear standing about 10 feet away. But it wasn't Pooh Bear. He still had his red shirt on, but now he had some black metal on his chest and some weird red light coming from by his right eye. He has several hoses sticking out of his head, leading to his back.

Tigger figured he'd pounce on Pooh like he always did. As he jumped, he collided with Pooh. Rather than knock Pooh on his back, he fell to the ground in pain. This is redicrulous! he thought. Nobody can stand up after a Tigger pounces on him, let alone hold him off. He looked up at Pooh Bear.

"I am Pooh of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."

"What? What?" Tigger asked, still in pain and confused.

"You will understand shortly." Pooh of Borg said as he grabbed Tigger. Tigger suddenly fell unconscious, and both he and Pooh disappeared in a strange green glow. The huge gray cube hovering above took off.

Unbeknownst to Pooh or Tigger, Eeyore was watching this whole thing. He knew Tigger was ready to bounce him, but did not expect any of this. He realized he should tell someone of this. As he took off towards Christopher Robin's house, he didn't realize that his tail fell off.

*       *       *

At Christopher Robin's house, things were in an uproar.

Kanga and Roo were there. So was Gopher. Christopher was there, pacing back and forth.

Owl returned.

Christopher walked up to him, "Still no sign?"

"No, my good fellow. I don't know where Pooh, Tigger or Piglet are. I did see Eeyore making his way here, though."

"How about Rabbit?"

"I did see Rabbit. He appears to need help. He was laying down in his cabege patch. I went down by him, and it appeared that he needed help."

"Laying down?"

"It appeared to me that he was knocked down."

Gopher spoke up. "Perhapssssss we sssshould go in ssssearch of that ssstuck-up bear, Rabbit, Piglet and Tigger."

Roo jumped up and down. Kanga agreed immediately. So did Christopher Robin and Owl. They were all set to take off when Eeyore rushed in the door.

"I saw Pooh Bear. But he wasn't Pooh Bear. He knocked Tigger out somehow and disappeared. Then this huge gray cube above them took off into the sky.

Owl smiled. This would be some story to tell.

Christopher thought for a moment. "Owl, you go out and get Rabbit. Bring him back here. Gopher, you go to Piglet's house and see what happened to him."

"Right away, Christopher Robin." they both said, and left in their respective ways.

"Eeyore, where's your tail?"

"It must have fallen off." Eeyore said. "Again."

"We'll get it when the danger is over."

*       *       *

It turns out Piglet was in his house. He was sweeping in front and the wind had blown him into a pile of leaves. He stumbled his way out of the leaves, and made his way back to the door. But he thought he was seeing things. Pooh Bear had some kind of black shirt on, and a weird red light by his eye.

Piglet walked up to him. "Hello, Pooh Bear."

Pooh of Borg faced him down. Piglet stopped smiling as he saw Pooh's face. There was no hint of friendliness in his face at all. Only an immensely scary evil.

"I am Pooh of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. You will drop your hunnypots, and escort us to Christopher Robin. If you attempt to intervene, Tigger will bounce you."

"Tigger? But Tigger's not anywhere around here. My hunnypots? They're in here. And no, you can't have them. You ate all my hunny last week, Pooh Bear."

Gopher chose this moment to tunnel up to the surface.

"What'sssss going on?"

Pooh of Borg looked at him with his red sensor-scope. "I am Pooh of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will drop your hunnypots, and escort us to Christopher Robin. If you attempt to intervene, Tigger will bounce you."

Piglet produced his hunnypots. "Here they are, Pooh Bear. But you can't have them."

Suddenly, Tigger of Borg appeared and bounced Piglet. As he did, Piglet was sliced in two by a strange white beam in a blue beam emanating from above. Gopher looked up and saw this huge gray cube. Terrified, he dug back into the ground. Pooh of Borg left the now-dead Piglet and stared into the hole. "We killed Rabbit. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated..."

*       *       *

In the meantime, Owl had brought Rabbit back to Christopher Robin. At a most inopportune time. See, 40 of Rabbit's friends had converged at Christopher's house. Rabbit's birthday was in a few days, and they were going to throw him a surprise party. But when they saw what happened to him, they were outraged.

"We must get back at the person who did this!" said Hanson, the lead rabbit.

"I totally agree!" said Storil, another rabbit.

One by one, all 40 rabbits said some variation of the same thing.

Suddenly, Gopher tunneled up. "Ssssomethingssss happened to Pooh Bear!!!! He'sssss been changed!!! He'sssss bad, real bad!!! He killed Piglet!!!!! And he's on his way here!!!!!!"

Hanson spoke up. "What about Rabbit?"

"Pooh sssaid that he killed Rabbit too!!!! I don't know whatssss happened to him, but he is not our Pooh Bear!!!!!"

"Did you see Tigger?" Christopher Robin asked.

"Tigger is with Pooh too!!!!!! He said he wasssss part of the Borg, whatever that issssss."

Some time ago, Christopher Robin had divided the Hundred Acre Wood into 360 equal parts, with his house being in part 360. So the rabbits all decided to converge at Part 359, just outside of Christopher Robin's house, to destroy what was now Pooh of Borg.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Christopher asked.

"We must avenge Rabbit's death! If it weren't for him, we wouldn't have kerits!" Hanson said. He waved to the others. "Come on, let's go!!!" All 40 of the rabbits stormed out to Part 359.

"Should I follow?" Owl said.

"No." said Christopher Robin. "Maybe they can stop this new Pooh."

*       *       *

All 40 rabbits converged at Part 359. In hardly anytime, Pooh of Borg and Tigger of Borg showed up.

"I am Pooh of Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. You will drop your hunnypots, and escort us to Christopher Robin. If you attempt to intervene, Tigger will bounce you."

One by one, all the rabbits were bounced by Tigger, being cut in half as neatly as Piglet was. That is all except for one rabbit, Gordon. He ran back to the others.

He burst into Christopher Robin's house. "Run! Run for your lives! There is no way we can stop him!" Gordon then jumped out a window and ran away.

Pooh of Borg appeared at the door.

"Finally, Christopher Robin. You will come with me."

"But you can't leave here! You are just a stuffed animal!"

Suddenly, a blue light from the heavens above appeared and eliminated all the ensemble in Christopher Robin's house except for Christopher himself.

Christopher cowered in a corner. "Please don't hurt me....." he said in a tiny voice.

Pooh of Borg and Tigger of Borg grabbed Christopher Robin, and all three disappeared in a green glow. And no one noticed a huge gray cube hovering above Christopher's house fly away. On its way into space, it fired a small, but bright, blue-white beam at Gordon, who was promptly fried.

And no one then heard the voice of many of the Borg saying, "Resistance is futile..."

The Hundred Acre Wood was now devoid of life.

And you thought this would have a happy ending?

Commodore Peter Malak Commanding Officer Spacedock, Sector 001

"The Federation's gone; the Borg is everywhere!"

                    --Alternate Captain Riker, "Parallels"
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